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my little girl is now two!!!

can you believe it? i am still amazed! YAY we made it another year. such a good feeling.

she had a lovely party/picnic at the park. blue's clues themed of course. it was so perfect. i worked my BUTT off.

made dog bone shaped cookies and everything.

my aunt sheri and wonderful cousin oliver came and i got to see olie for the first in YEARS it was wonderful!

alexis got a ton of wonderful toys, clothes and art supplies! YAY.

she means so much to me and i am so proud of myself. i wont say i do much right..but being her mom, i do. she's the greatest. and i am so lucky and i am so happy i made the choice i did and brought her home with me two years ago!

im a goofball.

when i was three my parents took me to see E.T in the theater. it was the first movie i ever saw in a movie theater. all my life i have heard how i was so excited and i sat on my dads lap and said "smack on" through the entire movie.

alexis and i watched E.T tonight and i taught her how to say "smack on". for some reason she called E.T. kitty, but that's still cute.

i am such a geek,because i actually cried when alexis got so excited when E.T and Elliot flew on the bikes. just something so wonderful about seeing your childs face light up with just a bit of magic.

oh olie!

alexis came across one of your pictures today and said "PAPA RICK" haha sorry, but i had to share it with you. too funny
i havent written about this, simply because i didnt want to get upset. and im tired of all this crap..

i talked to someone today i shouldnt have and i know better. but i did none the less and im also listening to a cd that i shouldnt as well..but oh well.
it's making me feel emotional. weird to put into words.

when i was pregnant with alexis, my best friend valicity was very against me keeping her. she wanted to adopt the baby once it was born and i said no. she came down (she lived at the time 9 hrs away in northern idaho) the weekend before alexis was born and after alexis was born, the last time i spoke to her was when lex was two weeks old.

after that my calls went unanswered. i finally just gave up and said "screw it".

through total chance, i was looking up something else and i came across the fact that valicitys husband was now teaching here in boise. i emailed him and then i called and left messages.

i got an email the next day from valicity saying yes, she stopped talking to me because i kept alexis. i had my mom and the friends both valicity and i have had for 18 yrs (who she stopped talking to years ago) and everyone said that she thinks way too highly of herself and that she's pissed i didnt give her what she wanted.

it's pissed me off and hurt me. this isnt someone i've known for just a year or two. it's someone i have known since the 5th grade. and she had no faith in me what so ever at all to be a good mom. how the hell ...she was more of a sister to me than my own sister. which really isnt saying much if you know judy..but still. she was one of only two people (and the first) that i told when my dad killed himself.

the night i got her email, i stayed up most of the night crying. the next day i was still so hurt. and then i said, screw it. i made the right choice and i did it, because ITS MY LIFE. i know what i am capable of and what i can handle and im a damn good mom.

does that make it any easier? no. i want to point out the shit she's done in her life and remind her that i didnt agree with her, but i stuck by her side. it's not my life and i cant tell someone what to do. that's not me though...


mom and rick finally get to adopt natalie tomorrow! YAY!!! almost five years since she was taken from my sister. good god. time to put it all behind us and move on.

i look at alexis and i see all that she can do. and i think back to natalie and she was 2 1/2 when she was taken from my sister. she couldnt talk. she wasnt even begining to be potty trained. she weighed less than what alexis does now (which is like 27 lbs). poor baby girl. i do not see how she survived the first two years of her life.

i hate my sister so much. how can y ou do that to a child? how do you not love it and nurture it and encorage your child every chance you get? there are many times when alexis makes me want to rip out my hair...but then she does something cute and it just makes everything better.

i'm just glad natalie is safe and has a good home. a forever home now. that's what every kid deserves. i wish i could say the same for cole. =/

oooh oliver!!!

your mom just called and said you might be here easter weekend! OMG LIKE YAY!! that would be the coolest thing ever! i wasnt looking forward to easter because mom, rick and natalie will be in alabama..but i am so excited now! =D
the weather here has been so nice. so back to the park daily we go. i think that's the funnest thing we do together. i love going there and seeing all the regular moms and their kids. it's just something so peaceful about it. so suburban!

i dont have a lot of time to read anymore..but i did start reading "searching for the sound" the autobiography of phil lesh. who is phil lesh? the bassist for the grateful dead. in it he talks about his childhood and growing up in the 40's and 50's. i swear, i was born in the wrong period of time. what a wonderful era to raise kids! the world was so much a peacefuler place than it is now. simplicity!

other than that, today at the park alexis was chasing around this four year old boy. he was being a monkey and doing flips and stuff off the stairs to one of the slides. i was behind alexis...because she doesnt really grasp the concept of "my turn" yet and i am always afraid one of the bigger kids will hurt her with out meaning to. anyway, im behind her and alexis decides to try and do a flip off the steps.

i raced to her as fast as i could and screamed "OH GOD"..which in a park full of mormons..probably isnt the best thing to say. i didnt reach her in time, but she was ok. paranoid mommy moment. she has a small scratch on her cheek and a few seconds of crying..she was back and ready to go. me on the other hand? i still feel horrible about it.

why must they make all cold medicine taste HORRIBLE? even little pills. ugh.

i hate being sick. i think that is one of the worst things a single mom has to face. because you dont get a time out. you dont get to say "honey!"

alexis was so great for most of today. she did do her squeally high pitched scream a lot..but OH WELL. she also woke me up at 5:30 this morning..which is too too early any time..specially when you feel like crap.

i was a good mommy. i took her to the park for an hour and then i even made her a balanced dinner even though i did comtemplate just giving her yogurt and broccoli. we did watch a LOT of tv today. i feel so bad about that...but oh well. let me lay on the couch. alexis loves scooby doo. "cooby-goo where you". it's so cute. smart cookie!

saw my sister on friday. blah. waste.

went to a baby shower for my cousin tammy on sat. that was a bunch of fun.
alexis got to play with her little cousin olivia who is just a few days older than her. i also decided that everyone should surprise grandma with dinner soon. just show up at her house and we all bring something. my grandpa's birthday is on the 18th of this month and it's the first with out him. she's having a hard time. what better way to cheer her up!

saw some of alexis' friends at the park yesterday for the first time since october. that was nice. cute to see them bigger!

that's about it.

my aunt is taking us camping in june for a week (i think oliver should come down!). it's going to be fun..but a lot of work and being in the vicinity of a lake with a toddler just scares me. i know it will be ok...but i worry 24/7.


i've enrolled in school and am going back. woohoo. i feel good about it. im happy. i'll have less sleep then i do now. (HA) but it's awesome.

when im laying in bed at night (should be sleeping) i keep thinking about all the shit that lead me to the point that i am in my life now. there are a million things i wish i could do differently and a few i wouldnt change at all.

i am so glad that i am not the same person i was a few years ago. i thank GOD that im not.



i very rarely post pictures here anymore. hell, i barely do anything here except read..but oh well. life happens and gets in the way.

things are moving right along. life is good and we both are happy. wonderful christmas. alexis is getting big and is so stinking smart. i love it.

she's going through this HUGE finding nemo phase right now. every time i turn around she's saying "want nemo". it's cute.